Boundary Setting Strategies for Multigenerational Families.

Well, my friend, if you can relate to that mishmash of strong emotions, you are not alone.  Even regular families may have experienced those mood swings during Covid-19 quarantine.  But, Covid-19 quarantine is a temporary event, and living in a multigenerational household is not a time-limited event.

Not only is living with a multigenerational family home is for the long haul but these households are on the rise!

That is why it is so important to be aware of the unique stressors of living in a multigenerational household and to learn the strategies for self-care and ways to tend to family relationships.

In this post, we will dive into the multigenerational household experience and cover the three main stressors and key strategies to set you up for success.

Multigenerational Stressor #1:  Sandwich Generation

The Pew Research Center defines the multigenerational household as two or more adult generations and the Census defines it as three or more generations in the household.  

A common stressor that can occur is something called a "sandwich effect" where an individual(s) are caring for minor children while also needing to provide care to aging parents who need care as well. 

A 2012 survey found that "adults in their 40s and 50s who have at least one child 18 or older, fully 73% have provided at least some financial help in the past year to at least one such child.  By contrast, among adults that age who have a parent age 65 or older, just 32% provided financial help to a parent in the past year."

This sandwich generation are middle-aged adults 40-59 years old. Not only can they shoulder financial responsibilities but they can also provide emotional support.  And the older the aging parent, the more likely the need for assistance with day-to-day living.  

Imagine if these types of supports are actively needed simultaneously.  Talk about the potential for overload.

Brings back memories of being stretched thin.  Visiting my dad in the hospital recovering from emergency surgery, getting caught in traffic while rushing, and being late to pick up my then 1st and 3rd graders from school.  Worried about my Dad and yet my little ones needed their mom, too.  Talk about stress!  

While this is a crisis example, these pulled in different direction moments can happen in everyday lifeways, too.  Like having to meet with my mom's financial advisor on a Saturday morning to help manage her financial affairs while the boys were playing playoff hockey games.  

These ordinary scenarios are totally doable but when living together in a multigenerational household, this experience can be more intense simply by the repetition and the lack of separation from it.

Multigenerational Stressor #2:  No privacy

One of the challenges with multiple generations in the home is the lack of privacy. 

If you live with your parents, they know when you leave and when you come home. 

Or when you have a fight with your spouse and what it is about. 

Or when your kid is acting out and how you parent through that. 

Or hearing feedback from the peanut gallery who witnessed those life moments.

Jeffrey Jensen Arnett is an author who was involved in a national poll of 18 -29 years olds and parents of 18-29-year-olds. 

Nearly three-fourths of young adults who participated in the National Clark poll reported "I would prefer to live independently of my parents even if it means living on a tight budget."  

I wonder how much privacy concerns contributed to the preference of the majority polled. 

Although this may be the preference, there is a rising number of young adults living with their parents.  Perhaps a challenging job market or living in a high-cost housing market has pushed families into a multigenerational household scenario.  

Whatever the reason, especially for young adults, this occurrence of multigenerational living combined with a preference to live outside the home could be a challenging combination. It underscores the need to create space and privacy for a smooth household experience.

The National Clark parent poll also showed that 40% of parents say that they have more financial stress and worry more about their children when living with them. 

Remember the peanut gallery? 

Well, it turns out there is a cost for entry. 

Witnessing life's ups and downs for your family members amplifies worry. I would be willing to bet this applies to all family members.  Not just parents of grown kids but any family member who lives with a struggling family member.  

Multigenerational Stressor #3:  High Complexity

Living in a multigenerational household can be complicated.

My husband, kids and I live with my in-laws. 

When we first started living together, one of the things we had to learn to navigate was dinnertime.  They eat dinner at 5pm because they tend to eat a very light lunch.  We eat at 7pm because that is how long it would take to cook after I got home from work at 6pm on weekdays. 

Well, we ended up moving dinnertime to 5:30.  I would do meal prep the night before and my in-laws and husband would cook the food I prepared and add in some sides.  I shifted my schedule to target getting home at around 5:30 most days and join dinner.  

This worked out great for us but it took some thinking, planning, and being proactive to make it work.

But, what if it's about pet peeves? 

This one can be a bit more complex to negotiate. 

What if one person really likes a clean dining table and orderly kitchen? 

What if others are messier and tend to leave dishes soaking in the sink? 

How do we negotiate something like that? 

Does the "clean" person just bear it until they explode?

Let's hope not!

Again, it's about having sometimes uncomfortable conversations and negotiations.  

In this scenario, we had to compromise. 

I confess I was one of the "messy" ones.  I had to accommodate trying to clean up relatively quickly and my mother-in-law had to adjust her standards a bit to accommodate a bit of clutter on the dining table.  (It seems like someone is always eating something at all hours in our house.) 

And this is one example in a tapestry of many mindful shifts that we make to navigate a mostly peaceful household.

Quick check-in:

If you live in a multigenerational home, is this post resonating with you?

Or if you are considering a multigenerational home, have I scared you off?

Truth talk: Although there are definitely stressors and it is complicated, there are many benefits to multigenerational living. Reasons that can make it worth it and worth putting in the work.

Multigenerational Home Benefits

A multigenerational home can be complicated to put into place, but there are a ton of benefits. 

Multigenerational living can buffer stress, improve finances, strengthen cognitive stimulation, reduce loneliness and improve health.

Multigenerational homes can be a safety net for multiple family members whether it is a way to give young kids more of a "village" type upbringing, young adults who are struggling to break into their industry as a newbie, or elderly parents who are needing additional support.

Not only can multigenerational homes be a safety net for differing family needs but they also can be a safety net to thrive in a high-cost housing market through the sharing of resources.

So, how can you make this work?  Let's look at two key strategies.

Multigenerational Family Boundary Strategy #1:  Structure the Environment

If possible, when you are setting up your multigenerational home, it is so vital to structure boundaries within the physical space.  This will do so much of the heavy lifting when it comes to establishing boundaries in the multigenerational home. 

It could be that you opt for the strongest boundary there is while still living on the same property which would come in the form of a detached accessory dwelling unit.  This way, the shared space is more about planning communal gathering places. 

What do I mean by that?

Well, it could be a communal set up in the backyard between the two homes with a covered patio serving as an outdoor living area with a picnic table for shared meals. 

Or it could be reserving the main house's big kitchen and family room as the communal space to gather and share meals.  A lot of sharing meals goes on in the multigenerational home.

What if an attached accessory dwelling unit makes more sense with your lot size or family member needs? 

Are you just out of luck and resigned to never having boundaries? 

No!

You can design "wings" where one part of the family is in one wing and the other is in the other wing. 

That is our set up in our home where my in-law's bedroom and a communal kitchen and family room are in one wing or end of the house and the bedroom for my kids and my husband and I are on the other side of the house.

Proactive planning before building is so vital to help maximize boundaries especially in an attached accessory dwelling unit where everyone is under the same roof.

Even with these structural boundaries, you will still need to do the emotional and relational work of establishing boundaries. 

For instance, it will be important to have time reserved to strengthen one unit of the family.  

What do I mean?  

I am talking about date nights with my spouse or the occasional vacation with just me, my husband, and the kids.  

Or about setting some guidelines about feedback. 

Even with structural boundaries, there is a shared household and unavoidable witnessing of life events. 

For instance, during a particularly bumpy time when one of my kids was in a pre-adolescent stage, there was some drama.  

Some rules were broken, some handling challenges well and some handling challenges not so well. 

Well, these things were happening on the stage of the multigenerational home.  

At times, it was a benefit to have that common experience, shared support, and brainstorming strategies to navigate this time. 

Other times, it was an added challenge to hear feedback when it wasn't asked for.  

It's at those times, boundaries can come in handy. 

Sometimes, establishing boundaries can be subtle like deflecting by switching topics of conversation. 

Other times, it can be more direct like "I appreciate your concern but as parents, we feel we need to go in this other direction…"

Multigeneration Family Boundary Strategy #2:  Develop a Care Plan

Not only can living in a multigenerational household be complicated but setting one up can be a complex undertaking. 

It often requires a lot of talking and planning together and sometimes uncomfortable conversations.  

What does developing a care plan look like?

Well, it means discussing topics like:

Will my in-laws take over babysitting the kids-picking them up from school, giving them a snack, and watching them until we got home?  Or are they not up to that responsibility?  Or will it be a hybrid set up with part babysitter and part them? 

On the other hand, what support can we give when they start needing more help?  Will we be caregivers or will we hire caregivers?  

Even when you develop a plan, sometimes the plan can be derailed. 

For instance, I had done planning with my mom for many years about making sure she was financially able to keep the multigenerational home she shared with my sister and niece but also have funds set aside for caregivers so she could avoid being placed in a nursing home. 

Even though this was the agreement, when the time came, there were many challenges to being open to a "stranger in the house".  

After some awkward and emotional conversations, caregivers were allowed to handle meals, cleaning, and some light personal care. 

But, my mom's hard line was no overnight caregivers which meant we grown kids had to accommodate and step up to help.

And, an especially hard question is what happens to the home after death? 

If the multigenerational home was co-owned by parents and a grown kid, will the grown kid automatically inherit the parent's share of the home? 

These are super important details to iron out in the family and then, with an estate planning attorney.

These subjects are so important to discuss and are powerful catalysts for successful multigeneration homes. 

Are you noticing the pattern here? 

A successful multigenerational household requires open communication and sometimes awkward conversations.  And issues can be a moving target where plans require more tweaking in execution.

Conclusion

Multigenerational homes come with stressors. 

If you are 40-59 years old and have kids of your own, then a multigenerational household can create a sandwich generation experience for you.  This is where you are pulled to care for financial, emotional, or activities of daily living needs for your parents at the same time as you are parenting minor children or providing financial or emotional support to your grown kids.  

It is also super challenging to have privacy in multigenerational households. 

This extra involvement in each other's lives can translate into extra worry about grown kids on the part of parents or a preference to live apart for young adult kids.  

Moreover, it is just plain complicated to navigate multigenerational living.  

But, we also discussed how it can be worth it by covering benefits such as improved mental health for older adults, shared responsibilities, and shared resources.  

To navigate the terrain of multigenerational households successfully, we covered a key strategy of structural boundary-setting where multigenerational home design has built-in boundaries. 

And lastly, developing a care plan and discussing sustainability is also a key strategy.

A multifamily home has stressors and benefits.  Much like multigenerational living itself, it is rich with complexity.

I hope this post provides some reality, some inspiration, and strategies to think about optimizing living in your multigenerational home or as you consider establishing a multigenerational home with an accessory dwelling unit.

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